The One Thing Your Teenager Wants You To Know, But Doesn't Tell You

It might shock you.

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Did you know there’s something your teenager wants you to know, but I would be willing to guess they have never told you? It is this: They desperately want your approval.

One of the greatest privileges of my life has been spending time with and ministering to teenagers. I’ve counseled numerous of them in various situations, often because they're overwhelmed by life and simply need someone to listen to them and understand what they are going through. It's striking how frequently they express a desire for their parents to be proud of them. With all of the things that they deal with, from peer pressure, being overloaded with school work, worries about their future, relationships, etc., the thing that they often share that most troubles them is feeling like they have let their parents down. To my surprise, when I conveyed this to their parents, many assumed their teenager didn't care about their opinions or what they had to say. However, what I've learned from countless teens and those who guide them daily is that sometimes teenagers haven't yet acquired the skills to articulate their most intimate feelings, including their longing for your approval. Never mistake their silence for indifference; they deeply desire your approval.

Disclaimer: I want to emphasize that I am not a parent. Me speaking about how to or how not to parent would be akin to a football fan criticizing a kicker on TV for missing a field goal and exclaiming, "I could have kicked that!" when, in reality, they lack the skills to kick a 40-yard field goal, and everyone knows it. Therefore, I won't pretend to have experienced the challenges of parenthood. However, the few things I can share are things I have learned from listening to teenagers talk about how they desire their parents approval.

Here are two tips that have been born out of the information I've gathered from speaking with students who seek their parents' approval:

1. Celebrate their wins.

Throughout the day, teenagers receive a barrage of instructions and guidance on what to do, where to go, and how to behave. While this guidance is undoubtedly essential for a teenager's development, it's equally important to acknowledge and celebrate their accomplishments. In other words, it's perfectly acceptable to express your disappointment when they fall short, but it's equally crucial to let them know when you're proud of their achievements. They may say you are embarrassing them when you go on and on about how proud of them you are, but I promise you, it means something to them and stays with them.

2. Express that your love for them is rooted in who they are, not their actions or inactions.

This is not just practical; its biblical. The essence of the Christian faith is that we are loved because we are God’s children, even when we fall short and mess up. Yet, we are called to love God by obeying His commands. Yet, the secret sauce to living the Christian life is knowing that you are deeply and fully known and loved despite your actions. In other words, knowing that you are loved despite your actions is one of the driving forces that create good actions. It is the same when it comes to relationships. When you let your teenager know that they are loved, even if they fall short, you might be shocked to see that their actions will start to line up with the love and appreciation they feel from a parent.

Raising teens to be Christ followers in 2023 is hard. That’s why we’ve created this resource. We don’t pretend to be experts or know all the answers. But if you find anything through this resource that can be helpful, we’ll count it as a win for what God has called us to do through creating it.

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Let us know how we can best serve you.

Love y’all,

NL